Postpartum Depression : You can’t have me!

Its 9:00pm, you lay sweetly in my arms, you are so peaceful, you are my universe! Its 12:00 am, I haven’t slept yet, I’m tired, I’m sure I will sleep as soon as you are done breastfeeding, its 3:00am I am staring at a wall, eyes not moving, sometimes I forget to blink, sometimes I forget you are in my arms, its 5:00am, I hear the birds chirping, the sound irritates me, the sound of my husband sleeping irritates me, my body doesn’t feel like my own, its 6:00am, the sun is rising, I can see outside its light out the window, you are asleep, why am I not?
I’m exhausted, I’m tired, can’t people see me, can’t people hear me? ? I’m exhausted, I’m tired, can’t you make it stop, can’t you take it away? I’m exhausted, I’m tired, get me some help, get me something, anything, I’m exhausted, I’m tired, take me away from here, I’m exhausted, I’m tired, leave me alone, I’m exhausted, I’m tired, its all I ever am, its all I’ll ever be. I’m exhausted I’m tired, it will get better, I’m exhausted I’m tired, I don’t want this life, I’m exhausted I’m tired, take me away from here.
Its another night, another long long night, he cries, he is in pain, what did he do to deserve this, what did I do to deserve this? Why me, why me, why him, why him? This isn’t the baby blues, he is already 8 months old, why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this, why is he always in pain, why is he always awake, is there something wrong with me? Am I a bad mother? Am I a bad person? The darkness of the night becomes my friend, I know every shadow, I know every spot on the wall, I know every sound, All I know is the darkness, its taken over me, it has me, it has my mind, it has my body, I am trapped.
Another night, another pit, a hole I can’t climb out of, a hole I can’t open or escape, a wound that can’t heal, I don’t see any light, but wait you are asleep, you’ve been sleeping for 3 hours! Are you alive? Are you breathing, why are you sleeping, are you ok? I stare at you, I don’t know how long I do, you are asleep, I watch your body take air in and out, why am I awake? Why am I not sleeping, what is wrong with me? I need sleep, I just need 1 hour, 1 hour will make me ok, I’ve been functioning on 2 hours of interrupted sleep a day since you were born, I can do it, I’ll be ok, I can make it be ok, I am strong, I can do anything! You are sleeping, oh you are sleeping!
Don’t cry, please don’t cry, but its not his tears, its MINE. Why am I crying, why am I always crying? Why am I alone, I’m always alone, I’ve pushed everyone away, I hate everyone, I hate them, they are so happy, why are they so happy? Why are they carrying on with their lives, can’t they see me? Can’t they see I’m suffering, can’t they see I’m barely functioning, can’t they see? Why does no one see me? Am I invisible, am I awake? I’m falling, the baby is falling, he keeps falling, he falls out of my arms, he falls but he doesn’t cry! WHERE IS HE?! SHIT where is he? Oh, he is asleep, he is in his cot, why does he keep falling, why do I keep thinking he is falling out of my arms? What is real? What is a dream? It’s becoming a blur, am I awake or am I asleep, I don’t know, I don’t know anything!

PAIN, oh so much pain, am I in pain are you in pain? What is pain, my head it pains, its sore, my eyes are sore, they are swollen, swollen because I cry, I cry all night, I cry to release the pain, I feel better, I feel fresh, why? Oh my God I slept, 3 hours? No, it can’t be, I’ve never slept so long, where is my son, where Is my child, don’t take him, he will be good, I love him, don’t take him he will be fine, DON’T take him, he is MINE! My head, my heart it plays tricks, you are not a bad mother, you just rested, you deserve to rest, your son is in safe hands, give into the rest, give into it now. I can’t, I can’t give him to me, give him back, he is only safe with me!
I’m upset, I see you and your child, he/she is so happy? Why have you got it so easy, why does YOUR child sleep and mine does not, why does YOUR child fall asleep so easily, why does your child sleep through the night? Why is your child ok, why is your child not in pain, why are you so happy, why are you so rested, why are you looking at me like that? I don’t want your pity, I want answers, why, why, why, I cry, I cry and I cry, the jealousy consumes me, whole, willingly and swiftly. Why me, why only me, why not you, why me, am I bad, am I horrible, why are you better than me, why are you happier than me, why am I me, why am I like this? This isn’t me!!!!
I’m smiling, I forgot how, I remember now, I remember it clearly, happy, he is happy, he is always happy, he is always smiling, he is always cheerful, did I do something right? You are what’s right, you are what’s right with the world, you are a beacon on light in my dark world. I make that call, today is the day! I need help, I need it, I need it now.

HE can help me, can he? I’m afraid, will he think I’m crazy, will he think I’m a bad person, will he think I’m a bad mother, my worst fears realised? NO, he just wants to talk, he just wants to understand, he tells me I’m not crazy, he tells me he understands, he tells me I have a condition, he tells me its common but not all get help, actually most don’t get help at all! He tells me that I’m brave, he tells me I am safe, he tells me I can be honest, he tells me to tell him my darkest thoughts, he tells me I need rest, he tells me I am great, but he tells me I have POST-NATAL DEPRESSION.

What is depression, why have I got it, why me, why me, why him? I’m told I was on a path… what path? A path to destruction, a path to depression, why? Why me? It’s always there, in my thoughts, in the back of my head, because of my stressful pregnancy, because of the complications at birth, because I do not sleep, because I had it before, that’s why, almost like depression chose me before I could even have a choice, I DON’T want you depression, don’t choose me, don’t choose me please, I don’t want you, you CANT have me, oh God, you can’t have me!

Write down your dark thoughts he tells me, write them down, NO why, why me, why why should I, how will you see me? How will the world see me? Write them down and set yourself free! FREE? FREEDOM? FREEDOM from what? FREEDOM from yourself, freedom from the guilt, freedom from the thoughts, freedom from the pain. I will, I will I will write it all down, NO he says, no writing it down you will say them to me. I’m scared I’m so so scared, but I do I say them I give words to the dark thoughts.

I wish I was GONE, DEAD maybe, FAR AWAY from here, I WISH I could run away, I wish I never got pregnant, I wish I never had this child, I wish I could vanish, no one needs me, my daughter doesn’t need me, my son doesn’t need me, how can I be a good mother, I am the worst mother, NO NO NO you are not, you are a good mother he says, look where you are, look what you are doing, you are helping yourself, you are trying, you are here, LOOK you are here!! You are worth it, you are more than you think, you just need REST, you only need some rest.

REST? What is rest, I barely remember it, but I force myself, I force the rest, I force the sleep, I force the bad thoughts away, I force the tears away, but sometimes they still come, sometimes I am overwhelmed, sometimes the darkness is my friend, sometimes I am weak, sometimes I am not myself, sometimes I am not supermom, sometimes I am not perfect, sometimes I am just me, a flawed mom, a selfless mom, an unhappy mom, an angry mom, a happy mom, a proud mom, an overbearing mom, but I’m a MOM, I know my worth, it shines out of my children’s eyes. Be YOU mom, just be YOU!

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2 thoughts on “Postpartum Depression : You can’t have me!

  1. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you🙏 I’m so grateful for this piece of writing.
    The second last paragraph and the last two lines had me in tears.
    More healing mothers need to talk about this and spread it like wildfire!
    Too many times we feel alone, isolated and misunderstood.
    “I’m a MOM, I know my worth, it shines out of my children’s eyes. Be YOU mom, just be YOU!”- Nicole( Thank you)

    Liked by 1 person

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