With my PPD I often have feelings that I am not enough, that I am worthless, that I am nobody and that I am invisible.
It’s not something I want to feel, its not something I like and its not something I want to be pitied for.
You see I am not a person who likes to ask for help or speak about my problems, I’m that person who always listens, I am a BIG listener, mostly because I like to listen to people but also because I feel like other people’s opinions and words matter more than mine.
There are some days that I hate being me, some days that I wish I was someone else and then there are days when I am ok being in my own skin, in my own body, regardless of how much I hate my body and how it looks or how it works.
Sometimes I feel alone and sometimes I get overwhelmed by too many people, does this even make sense? In many ways I even confuse myself. I love being around people though, I love meeting new people, like a blank canvas to explore and, I am a blank canvas to them, it’s exciting like a mystery. And I love the new, the exciting and the unknown.
There is no need to be more – you are enough. Everybody is enough ~ Osho
I am scared a lot, to show the true me, I have so many ideas, thoughts and wonders to share. Am I the only one who feels like this? I doubt it. Scared of being the odd one out because I hate to fit in, I was born to stand out, but just not too much! We were born to be amazing but just not too amazing or more amazing than the next?
I love other people’s successes, it makes me happy, it makes me smile but it also makes me sad, it makes me look back at myself and wonder what am I doing to be successful? Why am I stuck, why am I not moving forward at the same pace as others, and then realise I am comparing myself to others, how hard is it to not compare though? Do you struggle with this too?
You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody ~ Maya Angelou
In truth, feeling like I am enough is a feeling all too foreign! I want to be enough for my kids, my husband but mostly just for myself, and the battle to feel like I am is so hard its like walking up a mountain backwards. How can you feel like you are enough when there are days so frequently that you feel like a failure?
The saying you are your own worst enemy is so true, NO ONE judges me as HARD or as HARSH as I judge myself. So when I feel like I am not enough, what do you I do?
Well here is what I have tried….
1) I Look at my kids – they are the purest and biggest examples that you are enough and worthy.
2) Focus on the good – sometimes its hard to see but there are so many silver linings
3) Appreciate the little things – like your messy house- means you have a house, your unbrushed hair and teeth – means you were too busy to do it, you have things to fill your time and life with.
4) Surround yourself with your family and friends- we all have people who love us, they are our support structures, lean on them.
5) I look at photos – and remember those moments in time, the memories, the smiles.
6) Write them down – feelings, thoughts, hopes, inadequacies anything you want.
7) BE creative – THIS is my most trusted outlet. It soothes my soul and refuels me.
8) Remember it will get better. Trust that you are enough as a mother, a daughter, a wife, a lover, an aunt, a grandmother, a person an individual.
9) SPEAK – to someone, anyone who will care to listen. Venting or expressing yourself helps as well as outside perspective.
10) Openness – open yourself up to the good vibes and the positive energy.
11) Do things that make you happy – be it me time, recreational activities, shopping, dancing, singing whatever.
12) Contribute – The feeling of not being enough can be helped so much when you give back, when you do something for someone else, be it small or big, I can’t tell you have amazing it feels to know you have helped someone in some way, it makes me feel like I am enough, I was enough for that person, even just for a moment. The joys of giving are end-less.
13) LOVE – Love heals all things, A husband, partner, a boyfriend, girlfriend, basically anyone who shows you love shows you ONE simple thing, and that is that you ARE ENOUGH!
Do you ever feel you aren’t enough? Well from me to you, I want you to know you ARE enough!
Thank you for reading this. If it helped you or you related to it in anyway please share it with me.
Yours in Mommyhood,