You may or may have not been here before, staring NOT even wanting to BLINK for even a moment, WAITING, Looking, EXAMINING THE SHIT out of a pregnancy test. Shining your phone light onto it, Taking the stupid test APART, Scrutinizing, investigating, wondering why or when you’ll see that line? That Thin line you Love to Hate.
Peeing on countless sticks, ovulation tests, pregnancy tests, hoping praying something comes up on those tests, a darker line, a smiley face, any DAMN line. Wondering when GOD, when is it my turn. Wondering what is wrong with you, wondering how you’ve failed yet again, how you’ve lost the battle another time. YOU – 0, TEST – 1.
How much money have you spent? How many tests have you bought? How much medication, How much time wasted, how many doctors seen? How many waiting room walls have you stared at, how many nights lying awake wishing, how many tears shed?
Its another month, another month to hope, you still have hope, its only been a few months or years now but still you hold on, is it this month you hope, this month I will be better, do better, try better! Its MY month you tell yourself! This time it will happen, this time it will stick.
The waiting game… 14 days, 14 days of hell, when, why, how, what? Your body plays tricks on you, your mind plays tricks on you! Googling a 100 times a DAY ‘’PREGNANCY symptoms” and “AM I PREGNANT” but, You FEEL something different this month, you think something is different, but it’s not, it’s the same, you see RED again, you tell yourself maybe it’s just implantation bleeding, no its not, but you hope, it isn’t though, the sticks you’ve been peeing on for the last 5 days are not turning positive, still no line for you. Only ONE line, it’s the lone LINE of failure, a line you are so used to, a line that mocks you, ALWAYS alone, always just one, always unaccompanied, always by itself, never a companion, never a POSITIVE, always a NEGETIVE.
You tell yourself it’s all a lie, you tell yourself you’ll stop trying, tell yourself its ok, but its not. You see your friends with babies, you hear ‘are you not pregnant yet?’ You hear ”don’t worry your time will come”, it means nothing to me anymore, my time is not coming. My time has gone. Every aspect of my being feels like its being challenged daily, my self-worth, my femininity, my profession, my marriage and my FAITH!
You no longer trust your body, you used to know it so well. WORK for me BODY, why won’t you work UTERUS, why won’t you do your job? Just once! The thoughts of babies, needles, medication, ovulation, implantation, embryo’s and sperm are always on your mind. Its all you think of anymore.
Now #TTC, Community, HCG, CD1, PCOS, Triggers, DPO’s, TTC Journeys, Follicles, FSH, LH mean something to you, they are terms and letters and words you’ve come to know too well.
To all my TTC, Endometriosis, Infertility, Anovulation, PCOS, hormone imbalance MAMA’s I salute you, I was one of you, I know you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE, I have no words of WISDOM or HOPE only words of kindness.
TO BE CONTINUED….
Yours in Infertility,
Yours in Motherhood,